Insight: Trombonists don't become rock stars and don't attract the ladies so much.The guitar player without name recognition can barely support himself let alone a family. And the life of a musician trying to make something of his gift can be so unbearably stressful as to drive him to self-medicate with alcohol. The jokes are compliments of players Jon Sebastian Brice, Eddie Lee Isaacs, and James Lavorgna in my Facebook music circle.
In decades of playing gigs, I've learned that the best entertainment may not be on the stage at all---but in the break room. There, musicians—the best purveyors of jokes and funny stories, skewer everybody, including themselves, and make light of problems unique to artists. Creating humor out of hardship can help relieve the stress.
Jazz musicians, in particular, tell "inside jokes" so deeply rooted in their sub-culture that non-musicians don't get them. Some though, are obvious...and unkind:
Q: What do Kenny G and a vacuum cleaner have in common?
A: They both suck!
Q: What's the difference between Kenny G and a trombonist squished in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the trombonist.
Insight: Most heavyweight jazz and some pop musicians think Kenny G is a syrupy lightweight, far from jazz, though he calls his music "smooth jazz." And when you're a world-class musician struggling to pay the mortgage and gas up the car, it's easy to resent Kenny G's enormous wealth and the privileged connections that brought him fame and fortune, despite being an elementary player.
Jokes cover "chick singers", too. (I suspect that to some male musicians, chick singer is code for dumb female singer, or easy score.) Dig this riddle from pianist/singer John Korba, who, by the way, respects female singers. Q: What does a chick singer do in the morning? A: She gets dressed and goes home.
I often bristle at insensitive jokes about female singers, while at the same time appreciating the clever minds of the creators. It's true, many singers don't know anything about music. And some don't sing in tune. Bassist Hank Skalka speaks to that: The vocalist says to her piano player, "Let's play Misty." The piano player says, "Ok, we'll do the first 2 bars in E-flat, then a bar in F...a bar in E, then 2 bars in F-Sharp". The singer interrupts, "I don't think I can do that." The piano player says, "Really? That's the way we did it last night.''
Jokes can originate from downright musician hatred for each other's genres and its celebrities. Kanye West recently exclaimed, "Who's Paul McCartney?" Kenya is known for dissing fellow performers, and you can be sure some haters of hip-hop and him have been creating biting Kanye jokes and riddles.
From drummer friend Jimmy Givens: Q: What's the definition of an optimist? A: A Tuba player with a beeper. Insight: Before cell phones, in demand pro musicians carried beepers so they could be reached at any moment and given a call back number to play on a jingle or other gig. It's a funny joke because Tuba players are not in such demand that warrants carrying a beeper, but they are hopeful. Trombone players don't work often either. Q: How can a trombone player increase the aerodynamics of his car? A: Remove the Domino's Pizza Sign from the top of it. Insight: Musicians have been known to take all sorts of mindless part time jobs to conserve their mental energy for composing and playing while helping to make ends meet. In music, it can be financial feast or famine. Mindless temporary part-time jobs are easy to quit when music picks up.
Songwriter Lisa Ferrara tells about the little boy who says to his mom: "When I grow up I want to be a musician." Mom replies, "Now dear, you can't do both." That implies that musicians don't mature in many practical ways like getting "a real job" that can support a family.
Bassist Brian Connell queries, "How do you get a guitar player to turn down?" A: Put music in front of him! Fair or not, some local pop/rock guitarists are perceived as four-chord wonders who can't read music. So, if a gig leader puts a sheet of music in front of him, he'll turn down his volume and pretend he's playing.
After my dark, depressing interpretation of these jokes, I hope you can still laugh at them. I'll close with one of the uppity word play quips I so love. "A piano, is a piano, is a piano" --- Gertrude Steinway.
